"Bonnie, today I miss my family."

I can't even tell you what it was that triggered it. Usually it's one of the kids in the library that will do or say something that reminds me of Barrett's drools and chubby cheeks. Or a little boy's imagination that didn't quite match William's, or someone kissing and squeezing and laughing over their five-month old daughter. Then I'll think about the family gathering or my Mom sitting there waiting for me to call and wishing I could just play Go-Scrabble with her. Or seeing a dad lean down and hug his little girl and sometimes I do feel very thin. Not thin like I've lost weight, but thin like there isn't anything tight around me - there isn't a hug there. Gosh this sounds super depressing. But maybe there are just days when there is that feeling.

Whatever triggered the feeling, I was sitting upstairs in the library on my lunch break, reading, and I just had that feeling.

I get it sometimes, not all the time. And when I get it I can usually just "take it one day at a time," and work through the rest of the day pushing it to the back of my mind. Then there are those times when I don't really know why but the lump in my throat seems to translate immediately to - "I have to decide." Well, kinda personal for a blog, but doesn't that just suck? I mean, yeah I'm not claiming to be the only person that's ever had to do this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. How can I be so happy and content one hour and then go downstairs to work the next hour and feel compelled to say to my co-worker - "Bonnie, today I miss my family" with a tightness in my throat that I'm just hoping that speaking honestly in that moment will sooth that tightness and make it go away.  And that's just what it is. I miss them. Nothing crazy, I miss them. I just have to swallow that lump and smile at the two-year old boy who wouldn't let me hold him even if I gave him ten suckers and not compare him to Barrett who I would chase around and grab him and spin him and set him down and wait to hear, "'gain" (again). Then I'm ok. But really, I recite Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over and acknowledge God in my pain, in the thinness, in the tightness. And I'm not always ok, but most of the time, I'm at peace and I'm learning that trust is an act of the will. Not a feeling.

And that is my first blog entry after a long period of silence. You'll just have to take my word for it that this is not a depressing time. This is a time of learning, of understanding and it's not always fun. And that's it. But God doesn't change and that is the strongest conclusion there is.