I was walking the trail near my house and enjoying the sun on my face and the anticipation of the upcoming road trip to Seattle. I was talking to TJ on the phone as he was seeding. It struck me as rather ridiculous and exciting that I was talking to him while he was seeding and he was only some miles away. How many hours had we talked while he seeded that I was in Michigan, two hours ahead and only able to imagine what it was that he was doing. Now here we were doing the same thing, but I now was on the same soil.
Crazy.
Sometimes I'll have this out-of-body experience and I see myself dating this super-cute farmer, living in my own little house, and working at this sweet library set in a small town with a view of the Rocky Mountains. Is this my life? Was that me that walked all through Shelby and delivered my resume and met random people? Were those my feet that walked the little town of Conrad after I put in my application at the Library and met the singer from the town's play, "Desperate Farm Wives" the night before? Is that my voice I hear introducing myself and telling my story? Do I have a story?
I hear the stories of many people that walk through the library doors. One married and moved from England to Montana when she was eighteen. She survived the Blitz. One has lived in three continents and many different states. One checked out that very book fifty years ago. One suffered cancer, one lost a child, one adopted two children. And on and on - people's lives amaze me.
When I drive home, the mountains behind me stand firm against the blue sky. Just before my car follows the road down into the river bottom, I turn my head to the left and can see TJ's home, lit up by a literal beam of sunlight while the plains around it are darkened by the clouds. Almost everyday, the same.
The gazelles in the road threaten me with their eyes till they recognize the speed and strength of the vehicle and dart away together without looking back. The cows straighten and all eye me without a muscle twitching - but the young calf jumps awkwardly on his legs and runs to his mother.
Is that me learning to dribble a ball and shoot a basket? That is one of TJ's and my favorite things to do at the gym now. We will play a couple of short games (one-on-one) then run and do some weights. His baskets count for one, mine for two. He shows me how to do a lay-up, I keep trying. He packs the ball, I throw it at him. I never realized how tiring short sprints are.
Oftentimes I look around my little home, and thank God for all of my blessings. Full cupboards, a close-knit church, hearing truth every Sunday morning and having a gathering of believers with whom I can fully worship the Lord. I have good people for my friends, a steady and faithful boyfriend, a good job, and seriously on and on. This is my story, and sometimes I don't understand why God has blessed me. Yet just now I remembered, and how cool is this! In Psalm 27 David prays, "lead me in a smooth path." I pray that almost every day and sometimes I've wondered what that means or looks like. Well this is what it looks like! There is no doubt that I am on a path, sometimes a very tricky one to walk, but look at the way God has provided for me! There is nothing that I have need of! There is no want. I have food and a roof and a beautiful kitchen and frozen chicken marinating and I just got to see my friend in Seattle and eat super good ice cream and drive eleven hours with my friend Kathleen and we talked and I have a Bible here and a devotional by Amy Carmichael. There's running water and I have a tea kettle and get this - tons of my favorite kinds of tea in my cupboard! There's even a mini garden growing in my office, a little budding branch that I picked from my tree in the backyard, sitting by my stove. My car is running so well. The battery was dead today and I couldn't get a hold of TJ, but my neighbor came over and in ten minutes it was solved. And he gave me a case of blueberries. Blueberry pancakes is on the menu. That's another thing, I have flour and can make bread any time I want to. How many people in this world have that privilege? My own washer and dryer in the basement. Most young adults, when they move away for the first time, have to go to a coin laundromat or share with their entire level. God is so good, and He could take away all of that - He could take away this smooth path and He would still be good. Because He doesn't show that He's good through the smooth path He gives us, that's a bonus, He proves that He is good because He hears. He hears when we cry out to Him, He hears when we praise Him. He is good and He knows exactly what I need so I will trust Him, whether I am in the valley of the shadow of death, or on a smooth path.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
"Bonnie, today I miss my family."
I can't even tell you what it was that triggered it. Usually it's one of the kids in the library that will do or say something that reminds me of Barrett's drools and chubby cheeks. Or a little boy's imagination that didn't quite match William's, or someone kissing and squeezing and laughing over their five-month old daughter. Then I'll think about the family gathering or my Mom sitting there waiting for me to call and wishing I could just play Go-Scrabble with her. Or seeing a dad lean down and hug his little girl and sometimes I do feel very thin. Not thin like I've lost weight, but thin like there isn't anything tight around me - there isn't a hug there. Gosh this sounds super depressing. But maybe there are just days when there is that feeling.
Whatever triggered the feeling, I was sitting upstairs in the library on my lunch break, reading, and I just had that feeling.
I get it sometimes, not all the time. And when I get it I can usually just "take it one day at a time," and work through the rest of the day pushing it to the back of my mind. Then there are those times when I don't really know why but the lump in my throat seems to translate immediately to - "I have to decide." Well, kinda personal for a blog, but doesn't that just suck? I mean, yeah I'm not claiming to be the only person that's ever had to do this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. How can I be so happy and content one hour and then go downstairs to work the next hour and feel compelled to say to my co-worker - "Bonnie, today I miss my family" with a tightness in my throat that I'm just hoping that speaking honestly in that moment will sooth that tightness and make it go away. And that's just what it is. I miss them. Nothing crazy, I miss them. I just have to swallow that lump and smile at the two-year old boy who wouldn't let me hold him even if I gave him ten suckers and not compare him to Barrett who I would chase around and grab him and spin him and set him down and wait to hear, "'gain" (again). Then I'm ok. But really, I recite Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over and acknowledge God in my pain, in the thinness, in the tightness. And I'm not always ok, but most of the time, I'm at peace and I'm learning that trust is an act of the will. Not a feeling.
And that is my first blog entry after a long period of silence. You'll just have to take my word for it that this is not a depressing time. This is a time of learning, of understanding and it's not always fun. And that's it. But God doesn't change and that is the strongest conclusion there is.
Whatever triggered the feeling, I was sitting upstairs in the library on my lunch break, reading, and I just had that feeling.
I get it sometimes, not all the time. And when I get it I can usually just "take it one day at a time," and work through the rest of the day pushing it to the back of my mind. Then there are those times when I don't really know why but the lump in my throat seems to translate immediately to - "I have to decide." Well, kinda personal for a blog, but doesn't that just suck? I mean, yeah I'm not claiming to be the only person that's ever had to do this, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. How can I be so happy and content one hour and then go downstairs to work the next hour and feel compelled to say to my co-worker - "Bonnie, today I miss my family" with a tightness in my throat that I'm just hoping that speaking honestly in that moment will sooth that tightness and make it go away. And that's just what it is. I miss them. Nothing crazy, I miss them. I just have to swallow that lump and smile at the two-year old boy who wouldn't let me hold him even if I gave him ten suckers and not compare him to Barrett who I would chase around and grab him and spin him and set him down and wait to hear, "'gain" (again). Then I'm ok. But really, I recite Proverbs 3:5-6 over and over and acknowledge God in my pain, in the thinness, in the tightness. And I'm not always ok, but most of the time, I'm at peace and I'm learning that trust is an act of the will. Not a feeling.
And that is my first blog entry after a long period of silence. You'll just have to take my word for it that this is not a depressing time. This is a time of learning, of understanding and it's not always fun. And that's it. But God doesn't change and that is the strongest conclusion there is.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Arrived, Acclimated, Job Searching
I'm not sure how to condense two weeks of small and great adventures, stories and thoughts into a concise blog post. Let me begin by stating how welcomed I have been! From the first day of moving in, friends stopped by to say hello, help me unpack and eat pizza in order that we might make a home in a house.
I did not anticipate that cleaning and organizing and rearranging could be so delightful, but as Mark Twain said of Tom Sawyer,
And not just so-called sandwiches. I have actually made two chicken dinners (winner winner both), split pea soup, beef stroganoff, and....salad. I realize of course that listing three dinners is not very impressive in itself, but for me to have pulled out a cookbook, read it, and followed it with a nicely fragrant dish at the end, is nothing short of maturing. I have also made bread with nearly every meal which TJ has kindly requested, as it is still winter time, we cut the carbs short. We have been to the gym a few times and it is so nice to work out with somebody! I have not been pushed since I worked with my brother-in-law.
Anyway, these two weeks have been a time of meeting new people, making new friends, and spending time with old and new friends alike. Every time I go into town, either to buy something or leave a resume, I meet a friendly face and have a unique interaction. One time I was looking for wax beans for a recipe and could not find them. I asked the attendant that was stacking the shelves and had not realized that he was deaf. Well, he had me write down "wax beans" on the cardboard and looked high and low for them. Finally, when it was clear they were not on hand, he wrote,
As for a job, well I am hoping to hear something today, but we shall see. I left my resume at every financial institution, because that is what I have recently had experience in. No one is hiring, but I did not expect any place to be. I spoke with the school for a Teacher's Assistant job or subbing. There are two main jobs that I hope to hear back either today or sometime this week. The one is in Conrad (about twenty to thirty minutes away) and is an Assistant Director at their library. I do like the sound of it, but we shall see! The other is a Dental Assistant position at the local Medical Center. Both have the same starting wages, are full time, and come with benefits. Yet I have heard from neither so that is all I shall say for those.
Some of my highlights have been working on the ranch for two days, attempting to give blood, watching a girls high school basketball game, church, and Valentines Day. Those are all little stories that I don't believe I will bother my readers with at present, but suffice it to say that this has been a time of conquering fears (small and big), of trying new things, of deepening relationships, and of trying to keep up with all these fast-paced small town Montanans!
I believe that is all that I have for the present, thank you for those that are praying for me and for those that have given of their time and money to help make this Little Blue House a home. My sister, cousins, Aunt, Mom, Dad (especially this guy, not only did he nurse me back to health after the road trip stomach flu, wash all my windows, bought me all my first groceries and cleaning supplies, but was also such a wonderful support and friend for my first few days here) and friends have sent things like candles, mugs, calendars, pictures, books, christmas lights, practical tools, switch plates and light bulbs. The people here in Montana have been generous with food, trash cans, pots and pans, dishes, time, and kindness. God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning!
I did not anticipate that cleaning and organizing and rearranging could be so delightful, but as Mark Twain said of Tom Sawyer,
"If he had been a great and wise philosopher, like the writer of this book, he would now have comprehended that Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and that Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do."Therefore I have scrubbed my floors, cupboards, stove, microwave, sinks, all the while recognizing what fun it is to watch the dirt fall away and the home take shape. And what a sweet home it is! Lou Ellen (that's my landlord and TJ's mom) updated the house and it has a wonderfully large kitchen with a spacious counter top, a new bathroom, and this sweet little corner of book shelves that follow the stairs to the finished basement. I have been very blessed. Completely furnished and the cupboards were stocked with dishes and pots and pans so that I have been able to explore a new side of living with one self - cooking!
And not just so-called sandwiches. I have actually made two chicken dinners (winner winner both), split pea soup, beef stroganoff, and....salad. I realize of course that listing three dinners is not very impressive in itself, but for me to have pulled out a cookbook, read it, and followed it with a nicely fragrant dish at the end, is nothing short of maturing. I have also made bread with nearly every meal which TJ has kindly requested, as it is still winter time, we cut the carbs short. We have been to the gym a few times and it is so nice to work out with somebody! I have not been pushed since I worked with my brother-in-law.
Anyway, these two weeks have been a time of meeting new people, making new friends, and spending time with old and new friends alike. Every time I go into town, either to buy something or leave a resume, I meet a friendly face and have a unique interaction. One time I was looking for wax beans for a recipe and could not find them. I asked the attendant that was stacking the shelves and had not realized that he was deaf. Well, he had me write down "wax beans" on the cardboard and looked high and low for them. Finally, when it was clear they were not on hand, he wrote,
"Open beans, then light candle."
He laughed heartily at his joke, and I thought him quite a clever man.
As for a job, well I am hoping to hear something today, but we shall see. I left my resume at every financial institution, because that is what I have recently had experience in. No one is hiring, but I did not expect any place to be. I spoke with the school for a Teacher's Assistant job or subbing. There are two main jobs that I hope to hear back either today or sometime this week. The one is in Conrad (about twenty to thirty minutes away) and is an Assistant Director at their library. I do like the sound of it, but we shall see! The other is a Dental Assistant position at the local Medical Center. Both have the same starting wages, are full time, and come with benefits. Yet I have heard from neither so that is all I shall say for those.
Some of my highlights have been working on the ranch for two days, attempting to give blood, watching a girls high school basketball game, church, and Valentines Day. Those are all little stories that I don't believe I will bother my readers with at present, but suffice it to say that this has been a time of conquering fears (small and big), of trying new things, of deepening relationships, and of trying to keep up with all these fast-paced small town Montanans!
I believe that is all that I have for the present, thank you for those that are praying for me and for those that have given of their time and money to help make this Little Blue House a home. My sister, cousins, Aunt, Mom, Dad (especially this guy, not only did he nurse me back to health after the road trip stomach flu, wash all my windows, bought me all my first groceries and cleaning supplies, but was also such a wonderful support and friend for my first few days here) and friends have sent things like candles, mugs, calendars, pictures, books, christmas lights, practical tools, switch plates and light bulbs. The people here in Montana have been generous with food, trash cans, pots and pans, dishes, time, and kindness. God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Moving to Montana
Well my bags are packed, I'm ready to go.
This move has been in discussion and prayer for over half a year and it is now taking shape in my too many boxes and bags. I am moving because a couple of years ago I met this pretty cool guy named TJ. And this guy is a farmer in Montana. After about a year of talking we decided that in order to pursue this as a serious relationship it would be best for me to move out there. I have decided that I would like to see what a Montana life is like before I would make any great decisions.
Therefore, though I've never been a regular blogger, I hope to change my ways and post on a semi-regular basis of the happenings in this adventure. I have many friends and family that I hope to keep in contact with, but will at least be able to provide some sporadic stories and updates through this.
I have had many questions tossed at me so I have caught them and laid them out here with answers which I hope will satisfy. If there are any questions still though, don't hesitate to ask me!
Do you have a job out there?
Nope, not yet. TJ has been keeping his eyes and ears open for me and I will begin looking more actively when I am out there. I have built my resume and submitted it to a few places, but will hope for better returns once I can hand it in in person. God provides. :)
Where will you be staying?
I will be renting a sweet Little Blue House in town, a walk from the tennis courts and about two hours from the nearest Sam's Club.
Do you like it out there?
I have only visited for four days before, what I saw I did like, but that is also why I am going out there. I generally love every place I go to though!
How often will you visit?
I wish I could say. It is difficult having an idea without having a job. I have a friend getting married in New York in the fall and hope to make that an extended visit but that is completely up in the air.
Will you be continuing your education?
At this point, no. The only time I ever truly considered pursuing a Master's was in Israel and I had a dream to study Biblical Archaeology at Hebrew University. I soon realized that following semester that I had an interest, but not a passion strong enough to cause me to go over seas for two years for a Master's degree that could only be used over there. I still do have an interest in Biblical Archaeology though, so we shall see if anything will come of that, maybe nothing, maybe something.
How long are you planning on being out there? What does "an extended period of time" mean?
Good question! It means that I will be out there for a good length of time up to a year.
What things are you taking with you?
I am taking my clothes, pictures, some of my wall decorations, and some books. And you would not believe how much stuff all that is too!
Are you scared? Are you excited? Are you sad?
I am all sorts of things! And everyday is different, but I cling to the solid Rock, who is never changing. So yes, I get scared about some things for sure! I have never lived away from home, barely know how to make a full dinner, and will be living in a different culture! And of course I am excited! I have never lived away from home, learning to make a full dinner, and will be living in a different culture! And I will get to see TJ at least once a week! I like to travel and experience new things and yet I hate to leave home and those I love. Therefore, there are things I am sad about. I love my family very much. I am disappointed that I cannot pack up my nephews into a suitcase and bring my niece in a bag with their stuffed animals to Montana. I wish I could detach my brothers' and my sister's home from the ground and cart them along to explore the wild west along with me. I would love to take my parents in hand and give them mountain front property singing Hakuna Matata all the way. Yet this is an adventure that I am to take on my own, and I will accept that with full confidence in the One who is giving it to me.
Is there anything you need?
Prayers please, and that would be the kindest thing you could do for me.
With that, I shall end this public declaration of my biggest adventure yet! I hope that this has been informational and at least semi-interesting. I say good bye to those I won't have a chance to see before I leave!
This move has been in discussion and prayer for over half a year and it is now taking shape in my too many boxes and bags. I am moving because a couple of years ago I met this pretty cool guy named TJ. And this guy is a farmer in Montana. After about a year of talking we decided that in order to pursue this as a serious relationship it would be best for me to move out there. I have decided that I would like to see what a Montana life is like before I would make any great decisions.
Therefore, though I've never been a regular blogger, I hope to change my ways and post on a semi-regular basis of the happenings in this adventure. I have many friends and family that I hope to keep in contact with, but will at least be able to provide some sporadic stories and updates through this.
 |
| The Farmer in Montana Named TJ |
I have had many questions tossed at me so I have caught them and laid them out here with answers which I hope will satisfy. If there are any questions still though, don't hesitate to ask me!
Do you have a job out there?
Nope, not yet. TJ has been keeping his eyes and ears open for me and I will begin looking more actively when I am out there. I have built my resume and submitted it to a few places, but will hope for better returns once I can hand it in in person. God provides. :)
Where will you be staying?
I will be renting a sweet Little Blue House in town, a walk from the tennis courts and about two hours from the nearest Sam's Club.
Do you like it out there?
I have only visited for four days before, what I saw I did like, but that is also why I am going out there. I generally love every place I go to though!
How often will you visit?
I wish I could say. It is difficult having an idea without having a job. I have a friend getting married in New York in the fall and hope to make that an extended visit but that is completely up in the air.
Will you be continuing your education?
At this point, no. The only time I ever truly considered pursuing a Master's was in Israel and I had a dream to study Biblical Archaeology at Hebrew University. I soon realized that following semester that I had an interest, but not a passion strong enough to cause me to go over seas for two years for a Master's degree that could only be used over there. I still do have an interest in Biblical Archaeology though, so we shall see if anything will come of that, maybe nothing, maybe something.
How long are you planning on being out there? What does "an extended period of time" mean?
Good question! It means that I will be out there for a good length of time up to a year.
What things are you taking with you?
I am taking my clothes, pictures, some of my wall decorations, and some books. And you would not believe how much stuff all that is too!
Are you scared? Are you excited? Are you sad?
I am all sorts of things! And everyday is different, but I cling to the solid Rock, who is never changing. So yes, I get scared about some things for sure! I have never lived away from home, barely know how to make a full dinner, and will be living in a different culture! And of course I am excited! I have never lived away from home, learning to make a full dinner, and will be living in a different culture! And I will get to see TJ at least once a week! I like to travel and experience new things and yet I hate to leave home and those I love. Therefore, there are things I am sad about. I love my family very much. I am disappointed that I cannot pack up my nephews into a suitcase and bring my niece in a bag with their stuffed animals to Montana. I wish I could detach my brothers' and my sister's home from the ground and cart them along to explore the wild west along with me. I would love to take my parents in hand and give them mountain front property singing Hakuna Matata all the way. Yet this is an adventure that I am to take on my own, and I will accept that with full confidence in the One who is giving it to me.
Is there anything you need?
Prayers please, and that would be the kindest thing you could do for me.
With that, I shall end this public declaration of my biggest adventure yet! I hope that this has been informational and at least semi-interesting. I say good bye to those I won't have a chance to see before I leave!
 |
| I stole this from Google. |
Psalm 27
An Exuberant Declaration of Faith
A Psalm of David.
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.
One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.
For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the Lord will take care of me.
Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies.
Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
The Guardian of the Toilet
Twasn't much bi
gger than two inches. The entire body was smaller than my pinkie and the head no bigger than a dime.
But I stared.
At 6 o'clock in the morning, the chickens had been croaking out their greetings for about an hour, and the Filipinos were hard at work. The lumber shop across the way bustled with new wood being unloaded and the men laughing and shouting. I didn't know what they were saying. The guest section of the old Bible School, in which we were staying till we travelled to the farm, held the only air-conditioned rooms on the complex. So far I had felt pretty spoiled. The warnings of the unbearable heat and the hardships we would endure had excited me. I'm not sure what I expected, but a waterbed and fan for the first four nights definitely wasn't it. I kept thinking that God wouldn't change me if I wasn't sweating profusely or overcoming fears. Somehow I wanted to accomplish a dangerous feat in order to have an exciting tale which I could take home to my friends. Yet this early morning, with the sun high in the sky, Hannah and I were waiting for the rest of the family and desperately looking for something to do.
We'd had our devotions, written in our journals, sat out on the stairs, and - were silent.
Suddenly, I had to go to the bathroom.
I hurried into the narrow hallway off the dining room that led to the small bathroom. The thin green curtains were motionless against the screen. I looked to the toilet, as we all do, and noticed a little friend. He was completely exposed against the white washed wall, just above the toilet. I took a step forward, but couldn't sit down. I couldn't put my back to that thing, I couldn't expose myself. Images of his spindly little legs jumping on me while I was unaware forced my feet back, closer to the door. Just a tiny gecko, with a curvy tail. I felt his beady little eyes challenging me. It was like Satan's voice from those old Story Hours was creepily coming from this creature.
Lies. Isn't that what Satan did to Eve? That was it, this thing was Satan in the flesh. I took a picture to show Hannah, laughed at myself just a tad, and exited the room.
Relief would have to wait.
Twenty minutes later, I obviously still had to go. I'm sure its gone by now, the bugs back home never seem to stay long. But this was no bug.
That stubborn little gecko did something that seemed even more threatening. He hid a portion of his body behind the mirror above the toilet as if he were pretending to leave, only to later pounce. I paced back and forth and talked to myself.
Yep, my first victory of mastering my fears showed me how silly they could be. I took advantage of an honest friend's reaction, and did not boast of my feat to Luke and Annie.
gger than two inches. The entire body was smaller than my pinkie and the head no bigger than a dime.
But I stared.
At 6 o'clock in the morning, the chickens had been croaking out their greetings for about an hour, and the Filipinos were hard at work. The lumber shop across the way bustled with new wood being unloaded and the men laughing and shouting. I didn't know what they were saying. The guest section of the old Bible School, in which we were staying till we travelled to the farm, held the only air-conditioned rooms on the complex. So far I had felt pretty spoiled. The warnings of the unbearable heat and the hardships we would endure had excited me. I'm not sure what I expected, but a waterbed and fan for the first four nights definitely wasn't it. I kept thinking that God wouldn't change me if I wasn't sweating profusely or overcoming fears. Somehow I wanted to accomplish a dangerous feat in order to have an exciting tale which I could take home to my friends. Yet this early morning, with the sun high in the sky, Hannah and I were waiting for the rest of the family and desperately looking for something to do.
 |
| The only air conditioned room. |
We'd had our devotions, written in our journals, sat out on the stairs, and - were silent.
Suddenly, I had to go to the bathroom.
I hurried into the narrow hallway off the dining room that led to the small bathroom. The thin green curtains were motionless against the screen. I looked to the toilet, as we all do, and noticed a little friend. He was completely exposed against the white washed wall, just above the toilet. I took a step forward, but couldn't sit down. I couldn't put my back to that thing, I couldn't expose myself. Images of his spindly little legs jumping on me while I was unaware forced my feet back, closer to the door. Just a tiny gecko, with a curvy tail. I felt his beady little eyes challenging me. It was like Satan's voice from those old Story Hours was creepily coming from this creature.
"Come on, you think you're brave?
I thought you wanted to be changed?
Sit down, relax, I promise I won't touch you..."
Relief would have to wait.
Twenty minutes later, I obviously still had to go. I'm sure its gone by now, the bugs back home never seem to stay long. But this was no bug.
That stubborn little gecko did something that seemed even more threatening. He hid a portion of his body behind the mirror above the toilet as if he were pretending to leave, only to later pounce. I paced back and forth and talked to myself.
"You're being ridiculous Erin. That is a stinking little lizard!
Do you know how many other things will be threatening you on the farm?!
Suck it up. Sit down and go."
Yes, I gave myself a pep talk in the bathroom in the presence of an unsuspecting amphibian. But fifteen minutes later I emerged more confidant than when I had gone in. A huge smile played across my face, I showed Hannah the pictures, trying to play it down a bit, hoping her reaction might be one of esteemed amazement.
 |
| "Ha, that's funny." |
Yep, my first victory of mastering my fears showed me how silly they could be. I took advantage of an honest friend's reaction, and did not boast of my feat to Luke and Annie.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
The Arrival in Manila: Sticky and Crowded
It wasn't that easy.
Every port that could hold an airplane did. All the airlines had flights at the same time unloading. We were the only white. I felt like a newborn baby coming from the airplane, after being prepped for birth, launched into a whole new world.
I felt the heat envelope me like a thick hug. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was definitely warmer than Detroit, Michigan. We were ushered through tunnels and lines. It was 12 p.m. Manila's time. We hadn't slept for over thirteen hours. We somehow found the right line, showed our passport, the whole time afraid that they would turn us away because we didn't have an extended visa. Not even a second glance. A nod, and the passport was back in my hand. Did they even stamp it? I didn't notice- I just wanted to get out of the throng of people. I searched for a familiar face, Hannah and I were both silent. One from anxiety, the other from exhaustion.
Down this corridor, up those stairs, over to the luggage area. We grabbed our bags and followed a stream of people through a thinning crowd. Yelled at by a security guard, we turned around, we had nearly skipped our THIRD check. Glad I still had the right papers from the plane.
Here we were stopped.
A best friend is a wonderful thing because you can argue and be irritated with each other and somehow find comfort in that familiarity. I have to admit though, the tenseness of the situation did not produce much of a bonding.
We didn't see our native missionary friends, Pastor Nelson and Sister Ellaine, and we had no contact number. The night was damp and sticky, I looked across the street and believed myself to be in some sort of natural disaster movie. There was a small two-story building with people filling every possible space. Some were pushed against the windows holding signs, all seemed to be shouting at the passengers coming out of the building. There was no Sister Ellaine. A dread filled me as I looked around, making awkward eye contact with strangers. We were standing in the middle of the platform with our suitcases, being bumped on either side. I couldn't keep the movie Taken from entering my mind and every character became suspicious. We were standing for about ten minutes with no indication of what to do, and no sign of our friends. The crowds were not dissipating and the guards and fences kept people from entering to pick up their loved ones. We had no idea what was going on. So I did the only thing which seemed to make sense. I called my pastor. He definitely wasn't expecting a call from me, and I'm sure I must have sounded terrified. I had to ask him for a number, he gave me the only one they had on file which was from the '90s. Needless to say, it didn't work.
Thank the Lord that at that moment Sister Ellaine touched my arm, took my suitcase and had us follow her. I cannot express how thankful I was to see her. I wasn't sure what I would have done next.
"They wouldn't let me out, only five at a time were able to go. Finally I pointed to you and said you were American and I needed to get you. Somehow they let me go in front of so many others," she seemed frazzled and apologized that they hadn't been able to get to us. "It has never been this busy before."
Pastor Nelson and their daughter Paula were waiting in the air-conditioned car. As we drove through the streets I had so many questions. Part of me just wanted to sit back and stare at everything, but I can't just sit still when I'm with new friends. Never before had I seen cars, trucks, bikes, pedestrians, motorcycles, and tricycles all driving together - not obeying traffic signs! Honking was a friendly use, for the majority of the time, and the maze of actors made me want to retract further into the car.
"Do you want McDonalds? Jolly Bee's?" Couldn't eat.
The colors and advertisements on every building, covering every inch was so much. I can only compare my experience of culture shock with that of my two-month old nephew's scowl when too many faces come in to kiss him. Yet it was all so fascinating. Finally I stopped asking questions and allowed the experience to soak in.
About two hours later we were on a bed, on the fourth floor of the building, writing in our journals and yawning. Not many words had passed between Hannah and myself. We hit the pillows hoping for a good night's rest.
Too bad there's such a thing as jet-lag.
Every port that could hold an airplane did. All the airlines had flights at the same time unloading. We were the only white. I felt like a newborn baby coming from the airplane, after being prepped for birth, launched into a whole new world.
I felt the heat envelope me like a thick hug. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but it was definitely warmer than Detroit, Michigan. We were ushered through tunnels and lines. It was 12 p.m. Manila's time. We hadn't slept for over thirteen hours. We somehow found the right line, showed our passport, the whole time afraid that they would turn us away because we didn't have an extended visa. Not even a second glance. A nod, and the passport was back in my hand. Did they even stamp it? I didn't notice- I just wanted to get out of the throng of people. I searched for a familiar face, Hannah and I were both silent. One from anxiety, the other from exhaustion.
Down this corridor, up those stairs, over to the luggage area. We grabbed our bags and followed a stream of people through a thinning crowd. Yelled at by a security guard, we turned around, we had nearly skipped our THIRD check. Glad I still had the right papers from the plane.
Here we were stopped.
A best friend is a wonderful thing because you can argue and be irritated with each other and somehow find comfort in that familiarity. I have to admit though, the tenseness of the situation did not produce much of a bonding.
We didn't see our native missionary friends, Pastor Nelson and Sister Ellaine, and we had no contact number. The night was damp and sticky, I looked across the street and believed myself to be in some sort of natural disaster movie. There was a small two-story building with people filling every possible space. Some were pushed against the windows holding signs, all seemed to be shouting at the passengers coming out of the building. There was no Sister Ellaine. A dread filled me as I looked around, making awkward eye contact with strangers. We were standing in the middle of the platform with our suitcases, being bumped on either side. I couldn't keep the movie Taken from entering my mind and every character became suspicious. We were standing for about ten minutes with no indication of what to do, and no sign of our friends. The crowds were not dissipating and the guards and fences kept people from entering to pick up their loved ones. We had no idea what was going on. So I did the only thing which seemed to make sense. I called my pastor. He definitely wasn't expecting a call from me, and I'm sure I must have sounded terrified. I had to ask him for a number, he gave me the only one they had on file which was from the '90s. Needless to say, it didn't work.
Thank the Lord that at that moment Sister Ellaine touched my arm, took my suitcase and had us follow her. I cannot express how thankful I was to see her. I wasn't sure what I would have done next.
"They wouldn't let me out, only five at a time were able to go. Finally I pointed to you and said you were American and I needed to get you. Somehow they let me go in front of so many others," she seemed frazzled and apologized that they hadn't been able to get to us. "It has never been this busy before."
Pastor Nelson and their daughter Paula were waiting in the air-conditioned car. As we drove through the streets I had so many questions. Part of me just wanted to sit back and stare at everything, but I can't just sit still when I'm with new friends. Never before had I seen cars, trucks, bikes, pedestrians, motorcycles, and tricycles all driving together - not obeying traffic signs! Honking was a friendly use, for the majority of the time, and the maze of actors made me want to retract further into the car.
"Do you want McDonalds? Jolly Bee's?" Couldn't eat.
The colors and advertisements on every building, covering every inch was so much. I can only compare my experience of culture shock with that of my two-month old nephew's scowl when too many faces come in to kiss him. Yet it was all so fascinating. Finally I stopped asking questions and allowed the experience to soak in.
About two hours later we were on a bed, on the fourth floor of the building, writing in our journals and yawning. Not many words had passed between Hannah and myself. We hit the pillows hoping for a good night's rest.
Too bad there's such a thing as jet-lag.
Monday, April 28, 2014
An Introduction to the series: Rewind to the Ordinary, Everyday Exotic
It has been almost a year since I walked onto a plane with my best friend to visit a small orphanage half way across the globe. Has it really been a year? It seems as though I came home, and jumped right back into my life, but piled on more responsibilities and drew in more distractions.
It reminds me of a diet. A person forgoes chocolate, sweets, carbs, fats, anything that has been labelled as "unhealthy" for a period of time in order to see a long-lasting result. We know now, if we've been influenced by the health movement that is progressing, that diets don't work. When you say "No," something triggers a "Gotta Have It," and you're at ColdStones telling them to put brownies AND chocolate chips. Don't misunderstand me, I am all for self-control, my point here being that when we restrict ourselves without the proper motives, we are more likely to gain back all the habits and then some!
I tried to have the proper motivation as I journeyed to the Philippines, but I'm not sure I did. I imagined laboring hard in the sun, getting a missionary tan, taking beautiful pictures with the locals, that I would come to adore; and coming back a fabulously fit and spiritual person. I did pray and fast for this trip, therefore I knew it was the Lord's will, but I didn't know what to expect. That was the most intimidating thing. I didn't exactly know what I'd be doing, and I felt more than unqualified. All I knew was that I needed a change in more ways than one and this was to be my ticket to "a changed nature, an altered spirit!" (Christmas Carol, Dickens)
The purpose of this blog series is to remember the lessons I learned and somehow understand how to alter my motivations in order to obtain a lasting effect. I kept an account nearly every day for the entire five weeks that we were in the Philippines, though most were simply accounts of the activities that took place. Though my trip sounds more exotic than my suburban life here, it was truly living an ordinary, everyday life in the Philippines. However, I did not expect to be afraid.
It reminds me of a diet. A person forgoes chocolate, sweets, carbs, fats, anything that has been labelled as "unhealthy" for a period of time in order to see a long-lasting result. We know now, if we've been influenced by the health movement that is progressing, that diets don't work. When you say "No," something triggers a "Gotta Have It," and you're at ColdStones telling them to put brownies AND chocolate chips. Don't misunderstand me, I am all for self-control, my point here being that when we restrict ourselves without the proper motives, we are more likely to gain back all the habits and then some!
I tried to have the proper motivation as I journeyed to the Philippines, but I'm not sure I did. I imagined laboring hard in the sun, getting a missionary tan, taking beautiful pictures with the locals, that I would come to adore; and coming back a fabulously fit and spiritual person. I did pray and fast for this trip, therefore I knew it was the Lord's will, but I didn't know what to expect. That was the most intimidating thing. I didn't exactly know what I'd be doing, and I felt more than unqualified. All I knew was that I needed a change in more ways than one and this was to be my ticket to "a changed nature, an altered spirit!" (Christmas Carol, Dickens)
The purpose of this blog series is to remember the lessons I learned and somehow understand how to alter my motivations in order to obtain a lasting effect. I kept an account nearly every day for the entire five weeks that we were in the Philippines, though most were simply accounts of the activities that took place. Though my trip sounds more exotic than my suburban life here, it was truly living an ordinary, everyday life in the Philippines. However, I did not expect to be afraid.
June - 2013 - Palawan, Philippines
The night was thick, the screen windows let in a small breeze, but there was a deep silence. I rolled to my right side, but switched as my arm grew numb. I began to rehearse in my head what my testimony, that I was to share at the church in Manila when we returned from the orphanage, might be. I selected my words carefully and structured the stories, which examples would better fit in certain areas.
Then I realized that rather than create in my head what I believed the changes in me would be, I had better start making those changes. I stroked my friend's back as she fell asleep and I began to quietly pray. I could not understand why I was so awake, but prayers continued to come out easily. Then one song stuck in my head, but I didn't really want to sing it. Softly I recited the words.
"You are my strength, Oh God.
You are my help, Oh God.
You are the One on whom I call.
You are my shield, Oh God.
My life I yield, Oh God.
For you will ever be my all, in all."
I didn't want to sing it at first because I kept thinking,
Why am I having such a difficult time?
I'm not truly struggling because I'm not weak and I know I am better than this.
I can do this. I know that all of this is not hard, I am being ridiculous.
What I couldn't admit was the fact that I was weak, whether or not it was a difficult struggle wasn't my judgement to make, it was still a struggle! Therefore, God alone was my strength. He alone was my all in all.
Late in the middle of the night, it clicked.
No matter where I was on the earth, only He could be my strength.
That moment I began to understand God's work in my life. It wasn't to have me come home a tan, fit, and spiritual person (I mean, hey, if it happened naturally well then, that would just be awesome) he wanted me to trust Him. In the little things, in the big things. He wanted to teach me to humble myself, and to ask for help.
Sometimes it really is just that simple.
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