"Would you do anything differently if I was going to be there?"

I love surprises. I don't know exactly what it is about being surprised, but I love it. I think it it the feeling that reality is better than your expectation - and how rare is that?  Sometimes, even if I know something is going to happen, I will check my expectations to the point where I make myself believe it won't happen, in order to be surprised.

I have had a few opportunities to practice that through TJ's art of obvious surprises.

 For my birthday TJ asked if it would be a lame gift to pay for my hair appointment (that I had been uncertain of doing for the cost). Initially I was unsure because, well I love surprises and thought that my birthday might be forgotten if we took that route. Well, no sooner had I said that that I realized I was wrong and that, if he were still willing, I would love it.

"Ok, thanks for being so flexible, we'll see!"

The morning of my appointment (three days before my birthday), before I was ready for work, there was a knock on my door and a TJ standing with an envelope that had the very mysterious writing "Do not open till 5:00 on 5/6/16." I waited till exactly 5:00. There in the envelope was a sweet note and money enough to cover the cost, "Hope it was still semi-surprising. Don't spend it all in one place."

This last time however, was even better.

TJ's mom and sister, Lou Ellen and Robyn, and I were going to attend his cousin's wedding in Idaho and stop in Yellowstone on the way back. Since this is a busy season for TJ, I already knew that he would not be able to come. I was still looking forward to it though part of me was hoping that he could still go.

About a week before, it had been raining and was forecasted to rain that entire weekend. This, I'm learning, is pretty unusual for a Montana spring. My hopes were increasing and I had to keep myself to saying, "I know you will most likely be working, but should there be any way that you can go, I would really like that." Now I truly hardly said anything else. One night when we were working out I felt like I needed a straight answer and asked him what he would be doing that weekend. He still didn't know exactly, "Maybe go golfing. Help out at another rancher's branding."
 I accepted the fact that he was not going, and was satisfied with it.

However, the night before our departure, he and I went to the gym. That night we talked about as much, if not more, than we exercised. I had a package I needed to send for my nephew's birthday and asked him that if he were going to be in town the next day, it would be awesome if he could drop it off for me. He avoided my eyes slightly and with a smirking face said, "I have a premonition that I won't be in town. Just take it with you." I knew that wouldn't work, but hoping the reason he wouldn't be in town would have something to do with a road-trip... I didn't press the issue.

Near the end of our conversation that night he said, "So would you do anything differently if I was going this weekend?" I couldn't help but laugh. "I don't think so. Maybe I'd wear a prettier dress."

"You should wear the prettier dress."

That night I was giddy with excitement, but kept imagining him not there and reminding myself that anything could happen and he could very well have to stay. Yet the next morning, as I drove to the meeting place with his mom,  my heart continued to beat faster and my foot pressed down on the gas. There through the trees, loading his things into the back of his mom's car - TJ gave me the goofiest smile.

"Were you surprised?"

The Way of All New Days

Though making new friends, enjoying new experiences, and beginning a new chapter is all very fine and dandy and exciting - sometimes you just want to be surrounded by people that know you. 

Every time I am in a new place I find it fascinating how easy it is to judge others and put them in a box. It is how we naturally are. Well tonight as I was driving home from work, I simply wanted to be understood. I thought of all the people that I have had in my life that have watched me grow, babysat me, taught me piano lessons, taught me Biblical truths, had me over their homes, listened when I asked questions, and teased me into good humor. The people that know me, those that have grown with me or have helped me grow. My church family. The people in my small community that truly care for me and have guided me in many ways. These people know me. Now I find myself making new acquaintances and hoping that they will fill the roles of those that know me. But they can't, and by no fault of theirs. 

The difficulty of being surrounded by acquaintances is that you find yourself often put in a box they have defined. Let them have the basics of who you are and they already know exactly what category they will place you in, and so often it looks like the following: 

Erin Kleist

23 year-old blonde

Nice smile

Too cheerful

Attends church

Never read Harry Potter

Doesn't drink, smoke, party, etc. 

Conclusion: Simple good girl

Use: Pleasantries, ask her to pray for you if you are sad

 

Then every action following that they interpret a certain way. There is no room for explanation, if you are "liked" - perfect, nothing else need be said. Keep It Simple Stupid. If people like you, don't rock the boat. And if they don't like you? Too bad. You are labelled and shall forever remain in that category unless heaven and earth move. 

I was in that twilight state of mind as I headed home. The sunset touched the clouds and made them radiate with a deep pink. Yet the beauty around me only seemed to dull the ache within. I was thinking of all this and feeling increasingly discouraged. How did Anne of Green Gables seem to find at least three kindred spirits everywhere she went? I grow tired of trying to prove myself. Seeking to excel. Hoping to please. Wanting to belong. My thoughts began to spiral downwards and I knew it was going to be another one of those nights. When I fall into bed feeling like a shell of myself and wondering what I can do to make myself feel whole. 

WAIT!!! Is that true? Ok yeah maybe everything I've written is true. Or maybe it's all my interpretation, but does discouragement have to follow? 

I began to say aloud, "Lord, I am encouraged by Your faithfulness. Lord I am encouraged that You understand me. Lord I am encouraged by Your love." Truth began to flood my mind and I remembered verses, encouraging passages and this song - 

"Lord I know a seed must die, before it bears much fruit. 

So I surrender all that I hold dear, and give it all to You. 

I will hope in Your word, I will hope in Your word. 

I will stand on the promises You've given to me. 

In the light of your word, may I never forget,

That what you said You will do, all your promises will come true. 

I will hope in Your word." 

Now I may have some of the lyrics wrong because I'm terrible at lyrics. But I remembered again my priorities. My priorities right now: 

Glorify the Lord

Seek Him for my future

That's it! Not to fit in, not to be understood, not to be the best - but to glorify the Lord and to commit my way to Him. As I grow I pray that I will understand more and more what it is to be a peculiar people. I will more often than not, be misunderstood. I will more often than not, be labelled and ostracized. And as I grow in truth and His love, it will only become more acute. Yet His promises are true. Forever, and He knows me. 

"Because he has set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he has known my name." Psalm 94:1

But I know Whom I have believed,

And am persuaded that He is able

To keep that which I’ve committed

Unto Him against that day.

"Do you have any books with buffalos that attack people?"

The first grade class from the local school came by today for their weekly visit to the library. This is my favorite class. There are others that come that are fun too, but this one has some little characters that greatly amuse me. About eighteen children with the majority being boys. The boys are loud and adult like, dressing like little cowboys and always looking for the animal attack books, cattle books, or whatever has the best pictures.

One little curly head boy asked for shark books. I took him to the junior non-fiction and showed him the selection on sharks. I picked out a fairly simple book that had a picture per page of sharks swimming or the deep sea water. "How about this one?" I asked. "Umm no, that one just tells you about sharks." He checked out Shark Attack, or something to that extent, and the cover was a large shark's mouth displaying his ferocious teeth.

Bonnie, Carolyn and I will typically rotate with reading the book. Today was Bonnie's turn and I almost enjoy watching them as much as I enjoy reading to them. I counted five boys all at the same time picking their noses and eating it. The girls sat in rapt attention as the clouds filled with meatballs and the school was covered by a pancake and the town flooded with syrup. "That would be so yummy!" Cried one boy. "Yeah but can you imagine how sticky it would be?" "No school!!"

When the story is finished each week they jump up to grab the book they will read for the next week. Most of the girls will pick one quickly and sit down to read. Quite a few of the boys will grab the books on display and begin looking through the pictures. One girl stands on the stool and pushes all of my books back on the shelf. "Ha," I said today, "you are my culprit." She has a very long red braid almost every week and she tries to get in the boys group that wants some fascinating animal or great disaster book. "Can you help me find something?" A typical question. "Ok, what're you looking for?" She shrugged her shoulders. "You mean you want me to find something for you?" She nodded eagerly. All the ones I would've liked didn't suit her. She choose a seemingly boring one on insects I think.

                 

As they tromped through today, my name was shouted and the little red-headed girl handed me a dandelion. "For you!" Oh I was so pleased! I love little gestures like that and after my recent experience in my yard, dandelions have a new place in my heart. Then I heard one of the boys say, "Eww, why would you get her a weed?!" Oh hush, today it is a free yellow flower.

"Do you guys have any books here?"

Today was a pretty slow Monday morning, but I had just finished reading to the second grade class and was opening the inter-library loan bags when the door opened and someone came right in and asked the question, "Do you guys have any books here?" Bonnie went to help him, and I looked up to see a handsome man in a junky green sweatshirt with messy brown hair standing at the counter with a smirk on his face.

"Hey!! What're you doing here!" I was so excited I couldn't get my words out correctly, "Bonnie this is my TJ! I mean, this is my boyfriend TJ!"

It was a wonderful surprise. He was stopping in Conrad to get some maps for the pivot project he was going to be working on that day. He had to be out there in fifteen minutes but made a quick stop at the library to see if we had any books. Now that I think of it, he left without even looking.

This afternoon I was outside cleaning out the layers of dead leaves and overgrown trees. I have visions of what I would like to do in the backyard and I've already purchased many flower seeds. It is going to be a lot of work though and I'm not sure that I have that great of desire and dedication. Yet when I'm out there, I want to transform it. Well, my yard seemed to catch on to my dreams and has already surprised me by popping out dainty little yellow flowers all over the ground. Even in patches were there is no grass, the resilient flower found a way to produce a bundle together. They are always together, not just one flower by itself, but in a bunch. I can almost hear them talking to each other. I think they have high-pitched voices and cheerful things to say.

 If it was any other yard, I'm sure I would wonder at the flowers and why someone hadn't weeded them out from the grass. But I am understanding it to be a gesture of kindness and their funny bright faces don't bother me. Maybe it's an omen of great things to come in my little fenced-in yard.

Free Yellow Flowers

"You keep hanging out with us and we'll make an athlete out of you!"

It may take long in the making though....

Friday we received all the moisture a farmer's heart could desire for one day. The day before we finally had a good rain, but Friday was the first blizzard of the year. In Michigan one might say, "This blasted weather! Can't wait to go to Florida!" In Montana they say, "Can you believe this snow? Oh but we needed the moisture and I'll take any form I can get..." Anyway, I also like this because it gives the farmers some time off... so Friday TJ, his sister Robyn, her husband Chris, and I played basketball. At first I was dreading it because the night before TJ and I had played with a 4th and 6th grader and they both out-scored me. But after we started playing, it was a blast! Then I rolled my ankle. Crazy how fast that can happen. I walked it off for a little then we kept playing. It looks like a small softball, and isn't very stiff. I didn't know that walking it off helped, but if I had sat it would have stiffened up so quickly and I would've babied it because....well, because I can be a baby. 

Saturday was a beautiful day, fifty degrees and the snow was rapidly melting. I did a little bit of this and that. Figured out my student loans. Got depressed. Got UNdepressed because I remembered that God is my provider and nothing is overwhelming and I have a goal now to accomplish! Talked to my mom AND my sister, wonderful Saturday at that point already. TJ stopped by to deliver the Children's Church material and he headed inside to try to fix my bedroom door (that's an adventure in itself! He had to replace it because it was falling off its hinges, but it wouldn't close because it was just a tad too high. So I sanded and sanded and sanded using a power sander to make it fit. Well as soon as it was done, I shut the door and....it wouldn't close. Tried again and it just swung open. The latch wasn't the right size for the door. Ah home projects. I'm a big kid now.) While he was inside, I was outside, because that is what we do when we are alone. I cleaned out some trash from his car then started picking up the sticks in my front yard. After he left I went to grab the huge pile and take it to the back when I was startled by a black creature! A small cat with bright green eyes was staring up at me. "Oh hi Mr. Black Cat, shew." I don't like cats because of allergies and partly because I just don't like animals that much. But he wouldn't leave me alone! I took the sticks to the back and found a pile of feathers... I think Mr. Black Cat had been hungry. He kept rubbing against my pant leg. I could resist no longer and pet him. He was sweet and I could feel the purring motor through his rib cage. He was skinny, but he also had a collar and I was not going to take this thing in. 

The snoopy Mr. Black Cat

Well, Mr. Black Cat clearly needed friends and after I tidied up in the yard and went back inside, he was crawling on my railing, jumping on my window sill and scratching at my back door meowing so loudly I thought that the neighbors might think I was possessed! But I would not become that cat lady and simply ignored him. Eventually he went away, presumably back home. And that's the end, totally anti-climatic but right now I'm just cataloging the day and therefore am only half trying to make it all sound exciting. 

Marias Valley Golf Course

Later that day TJ called to see if I wanted to go golfing with Chris and Robyn. Golfing. That sport that has that tiny ball that supposed to go sailing through the air after receiving the blow from a large medal stick transferring power from your body straight into that tiny ball. And somehow its supposed to end up in a tiny hole. Eh, I'll watch for now, besides, my ankle was swollen, that's a legitimate excuse. Ankle or no ankle, I decided it would be more fun to tag along instead of have them all wait for me as I tried for the fifteenth time to get the ball out of the woods. But I will try it sometime. I've gone skiing and played basketball, helped herd cows and (surely there was something else slightly athletic....) well that is all I can think of. I don't mean to make myself sound prissy, I was just never the athletic type and it always took me forever to learn. Once I get passed the low-self esteem part, I really enjoy playing whatever, as long as its active. And it was yesterday that Chris made the comment after I tried to shoot at one hole. Oh if he had said that to my high school self I would've either glowed at the idea or shrunk back into a book. 

But who knows what this Montana Erin will someday do! 

"Yep, foliage is great." - Emily Steenbergh

Pretty sure she was getting a little tired of hearing, "Look how green it is Kathleen!" "Oh Emily, what's your growing zone? I can't believe how many flowers and trees grow here!" And occasionally Emily would respond to our constant comments, by, "Yeah, foliage - gotta have it!" Well foliage is a good word, so I'll give you that.

Our time is Tacoma was lovely, once I figured out that it's spelled with a c and not a k. The green though was truly beautiful. Kathleen and I drove from sunny, but brown Shelby, Montana and into bloomingly beautiful Tacoma, Washington. Lilac bushes, tulips, rhododendrons, dandelions (still flowers), cherry trees (or crabapple - we were undecided), hyacinths and flowers I couldn't name were in full bloom all around us. The homes were Victorian style with pristine landscaping and the water was so close you could touch it. One night we looked over the dock in Tacoma and stared at the depths of deep blue, water that flowed in from the Pacific Ocean. Since Kathleen has married a farmer, her appreciation for growth, rain, and growing zones has grown probably almost 100%. And I like to just jump on the bandwagon and pretend I know what all that means. Seriously though, there's something about living in a small town supported by farmers and hearing "We need the moisture," if a few snow flakes fall. Not to mock it though, I never realized how important rainfall and "moisture" really is. And I've only been here two months. Kathleen and I are also two among our friends that are in a pumpkin growing contest and therefore getting into gardening (Kathleen has been - this is new to me though) therefore we each have done some research to understand growing seasons, zones, nourishment and things of that nature (see that's a cop-out phrase that reflects my depth of knowledge on the subject). Anyway, all that being said, Tacoma was lovely and Kathleen and I appreciated it as much as a soul could.

Friday we toured a bit of Tacoma and craved and received Mexican. Saturday we hiked for two hours in the Cascade mountains and overlooked the little homes and viewed the mountains from a small opening in the trees as high as the trail would take us. We then hiked back down and played cards at Emily's friend's apartment - Euchre, a Michigan game. :) It was nice to see another face from Michigan, the land of our roots, and our conversation could lead to things we knew and people we loved. That night again we craved Mexican and nachos was a just reward (only $5 for a dome-like plate of fried tortillas soaked in beans and sour cream). Sunday we walked to her church then sampled some Legendary donuts on our way to cloudy Seattle. Pike's Market was a whirl of booths and balsamic oil samples, and flowers and more flowers. We saw the first Starbucks and it looked like the trillionth Starbucks I saw on the corner a mile down. We tasted delicious fish and chips while we watched the chef and his entourage serve up fried fish, grilled salmon, shrimp cocktail, and clam chowder, all while yelling and laughing and trying to look cool. But they were kinda cool, just because their food was so good. I was not super impressed by the gum wall, though it didn't stop me from contributing. And the Fremont troll was pretty cool. We climbed it, got a picture and said, "Cool." Then we walked, and that was my favorite thing we did together. Walking Seattle, the Board Walk, Pike's Market, downtown Tacoma, the bridge, Emily's neighborhood, the dock - walking and simply enjoying being with each other. Oh but I really liked the Ferris Wheel too, those things are sweet. Any direction you look is fascinating. Whether it's back at the city, scanning the sky scrapers and seeing the different styles of buildings. Whether it's viewing the wharfs and the major cranes and freighters carrying products all over the world. Whether it's at your friends laughing and smiling. Or whether its watching the machine itself flowing in a perfect rotation. Then of course there's the water to view and  the light of the sun moving in delicate ripples on the waves. We ended our trip with more walking, some talking, and a movie and junk food. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Kathleen and I left and settled ourselves for the long drive home.

And I was looking forward to the quiet of the small town. To seeing TJ and talking to him. To making myself a good, healthy meal. I was looking forward to brown and sunshiny Shelby, Montana.

One of my favorites. 

Mount Reindeer.

TJ's livelihood - grain elevator!

Kylie, Emily, Me, Kathleen (bad lighting)

Dome shaped nachos!!

Legendary Donuts

Pike's Market!

The Flowers!

In front of the first Starbucks, we had to make it a little more exciting than it was. 

Nasty wasty gum wall. 

Emily enjoying a fry from the sea food restaurant. 

Kathleen REALLY enjoying the clam chowder from afore mentioned restaurant! Not even a restaurant really, a fryer and a booth to watch them and the market. 

Seattle Skyscrapers from the Ferris Wheel.

Fremont Troll. Cool beans.

Blooming flowers on our walk in Tacoma.

Sunset in Tacoma, last night. 

"TJ, I'm talking to you as I stand in Montana."

I was walking the trail near my house and enjoying the sun on my face and the anticipation of the upcoming road trip to Seattle. I was talking to TJ on the phone as he was seeding. It struck me as rather ridiculous and exciting that I was talking to him while he was seeding and he was only some miles away. How many hours had we talked while he seeded that I was in Michigan, two hours ahead and only able to imagine what it was that he was doing. Now here we were doing the same thing, but I now was on the same soil.

Crazy.

Sometimes I'll have this out-of-body experience and I see myself dating this super-cute farmer, living in my own little house, and working at this sweet library set in a small town with a view of the Rocky Mountains. Is this my life? Was that me that walked all through Shelby and delivered my resume and met random people? Were those my feet that walked the little town of Conrad after I put in my application at the Library and met the singer from the town's play, "Desperate Farm Wives" the night before? Is that my voice I hear introducing myself and telling my story? Do I have a story?

I hear the stories of many people that walk through the library doors. One married and moved from England to Montana when she was eighteen. She survived the Blitz. One has lived in three continents and many different states. One checked out that very book fifty years ago. One suffered cancer, one lost a child, one adopted two children. And on and on - people's lives amaze me.

When I drive home, the mountains behind me stand firm against the blue sky. Just before my car follows the road down into the river bottom, I turn my head to the left and can see TJ's home, lit up by a literal beam of sunlight while the plains around it are darkened by the clouds. Almost everyday, the same.

The gazelles in the road threaten me with their eyes till they recognize the speed and strength of the vehicle and dart away together without looking back. The cows straighten and all eye me without a muscle twitching - but the young calf jumps awkwardly on his legs and runs to his mother.

Is that me learning to dribble a ball and shoot a basket? That is one of TJ's and my favorite things to do at the gym now. We will play a couple of short games (one-on-one) then run and do some weights. His baskets count for one, mine for two. He shows me how to do a lay-up, I keep trying. He packs the ball, I throw it at him. I never realized how tiring short sprints are.

Oftentimes I look around my little home, and thank God for all of my blessings. Full cupboards, a close-knit church, hearing truth every Sunday morning and having a gathering of believers with whom I can fully worship the Lord. I have good people for my friends, a steady and faithful boyfriend, a good job, and seriously on and on. This is my story, and sometimes I don't understand why God has blessed me. Yet just now I remembered, and how cool is this! In Psalm 27 David prays, "lead me in a smooth path." I pray that almost every day and sometimes I've wondered what that means or looks like. Well this is what it looks like! There is no doubt that I am on a path, sometimes a very tricky one to walk, but look at the way God has provided for me! There is nothing that I have need of! There is no want. I have food and a roof and a beautiful kitchen and frozen chicken marinating and I just got to see my friend in Seattle and eat super good ice cream and drive eleven hours with my friend Kathleen and we talked and I have a Bible here and a devotional by Amy Carmichael. There's running water and I have a tea kettle and get this - tons of my favorite kinds of tea in my cupboard! There's even a mini garden growing in my office, a little budding branch that I picked from my tree in the backyard, sitting by my stove. My car is running so well. The battery was dead today and I couldn't get a hold of TJ, but my neighbor came over and in ten minutes it was solved. And he gave me a case of blueberries. Blueberry pancakes is on the menu. That's another thing, I have flour and can make bread any time I want to. How many people in this world have that privilege? My own washer and dryer in the basement. Most young adults, when they move away for the first time, have to go to a coin laundromat or share with their entire level. God is so good, and He could take away all of that - He could take away this smooth path and He would still be good. Because He doesn't show that He's good through the smooth path He gives us, that's a bonus, He proves that He is good because He hears. He hears when we cry out to Him, He hears when we praise Him. He is good and He knows exactly what I need so I will trust Him, whether I am in the valley of the shadow of death, or on a smooth path.