"Would you do anything differently if I was going to be there?"

I love surprises. I don't know exactly what it is about being surprised, but I love it. I think it it the feeling that reality is better than your expectation - and how rare is that?  Sometimes, even if I know something is going to happen, I will check my expectations to the point where I make myself believe it won't happen, in order to be surprised.

I have had a few opportunities to practice that through TJ's art of obvious surprises.

 For my birthday TJ asked if it would be a lame gift to pay for my hair appointment (that I had been uncertain of doing for the cost). Initially I was unsure because, well I love surprises and thought that my birthday might be forgotten if we took that route. Well, no sooner had I said that that I realized I was wrong and that, if he were still willing, I would love it.

"Ok, thanks for being so flexible, we'll see!"

The morning of my appointment (three days before my birthday), before I was ready for work, there was a knock on my door and a TJ standing with an envelope that had the very mysterious writing "Do not open till 5:00 on 5/6/16." I waited till exactly 5:00. There in the envelope was a sweet note and money enough to cover the cost, "Hope it was still semi-surprising. Don't spend it all in one place."

This last time however, was even better.

TJ's mom and sister, Lou Ellen and Robyn, and I were going to attend his cousin's wedding in Idaho and stop in Yellowstone on the way back. Since this is a busy season for TJ, I already knew that he would not be able to come. I was still looking forward to it though part of me was hoping that he could still go.

About a week before, it had been raining and was forecasted to rain that entire weekend. This, I'm learning, is pretty unusual for a Montana spring. My hopes were increasing and I had to keep myself to saying, "I know you will most likely be working, but should there be any way that you can go, I would really like that." Now I truly hardly said anything else. One night when we were working out I felt like I needed a straight answer and asked him what he would be doing that weekend. He still didn't know exactly, "Maybe go golfing. Help out at another rancher's branding."
 I accepted the fact that he was not going, and was satisfied with it.

However, the night before our departure, he and I went to the gym. That night we talked about as much, if not more, than we exercised. I had a package I needed to send for my nephew's birthday and asked him that if he were going to be in town the next day, it would be awesome if he could drop it off for me. He avoided my eyes slightly and with a smirking face said, "I have a premonition that I won't be in town. Just take it with you." I knew that wouldn't work, but hoping the reason he wouldn't be in town would have something to do with a road-trip... I didn't press the issue.

Near the end of our conversation that night he said, "So would you do anything differently if I was going this weekend?" I couldn't help but laugh. "I don't think so. Maybe I'd wear a prettier dress."

"You should wear the prettier dress."

That night I was giddy with excitement, but kept imagining him not there and reminding myself that anything could happen and he could very well have to stay. Yet the next morning, as I drove to the meeting place with his mom,  my heart continued to beat faster and my foot pressed down on the gas. There through the trees, loading his things into the back of his mom's car - TJ gave me the goofiest smile.

"Were you surprised?"

The Way of All New Days

Though making new friends, enjoying new experiences, and beginning a new chapter is all very fine and dandy and exciting - sometimes you just want to be surrounded by people that know you. 

Every time I am in a new place I find it fascinating how easy it is to judge others and put them in a box. It is how we naturally are. Well tonight as I was driving home from work, I simply wanted to be understood. I thought of all the people that I have had in my life that have watched me grow, babysat me, taught me piano lessons, taught me Biblical truths, had me over their homes, listened when I asked questions, and teased me into good humor. The people that know me, those that have grown with me or have helped me grow. My church family. The people in my small community that truly care for me and have guided me in many ways. These people know me. Now I find myself making new acquaintances and hoping that they will fill the roles of those that know me. But they can't, and by no fault of theirs. 

The difficulty of being surrounded by acquaintances is that you find yourself often put in a box they have defined. Let them have the basics of who you are and they already know exactly what category they will place you in, and so often it looks like the following: 

Erin Kleist

23 year-old blonde

Nice smile

Too cheerful

Attends church

Never read Harry Potter

Doesn't drink, smoke, party, etc. 

Conclusion: Simple good girl

Use: Pleasantries, ask her to pray for you if you are sad

 

Then every action following that they interpret a certain way. There is no room for explanation, if you are "liked" - perfect, nothing else need be said. Keep It Simple Stupid. If people like you, don't rock the boat. And if they don't like you? Too bad. You are labelled and shall forever remain in that category unless heaven and earth move. 

I was in that twilight state of mind as I headed home. The sunset touched the clouds and made them radiate with a deep pink. Yet the beauty around me only seemed to dull the ache within. I was thinking of all this and feeling increasingly discouraged. How did Anne of Green Gables seem to find at least three kindred spirits everywhere she went? I grow tired of trying to prove myself. Seeking to excel. Hoping to please. Wanting to belong. My thoughts began to spiral downwards and I knew it was going to be another one of those nights. When I fall into bed feeling like a shell of myself and wondering what I can do to make myself feel whole. 

WAIT!!! Is that true? Ok yeah maybe everything I've written is true. Or maybe it's all my interpretation, but does discouragement have to follow? 

I began to say aloud, "Lord, I am encouraged by Your faithfulness. Lord I am encouraged that You understand me. Lord I am encouraged by Your love." Truth began to flood my mind and I remembered verses, encouraging passages and this song - 

"Lord I know a seed must die, before it bears much fruit. 

So I surrender all that I hold dear, and give it all to You. 

I will hope in Your word, I will hope in Your word. 

I will stand on the promises You've given to me. 

In the light of your word, may I never forget,

That what you said You will do, all your promises will come true. 

I will hope in Your word." 

Now I may have some of the lyrics wrong because I'm terrible at lyrics. But I remembered again my priorities. My priorities right now: 

Glorify the Lord

Seek Him for my future

That's it! Not to fit in, not to be understood, not to be the best - but to glorify the Lord and to commit my way to Him. As I grow I pray that I will understand more and more what it is to be a peculiar people. I will more often than not, be misunderstood. I will more often than not, be labelled and ostracized. And as I grow in truth and His love, it will only become more acute. Yet His promises are true. Forever, and He knows me. 

"Because he has set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he has known my name." Psalm 94:1

But I know Whom I have believed,

And am persuaded that He is able

To keep that which I’ve committed

Unto Him against that day.