It reminds me of a diet. A person forgoes chocolate, sweets, carbs, fats, anything that has been labelled as "unhealthy" for a period of time in order to see a long-lasting result. We know now, if we've been influenced by the health movement that is progressing, that diets don't work. When you say "No," something triggers a "Gotta Have It," and you're at ColdStones telling them to put brownies AND chocolate chips. Don't misunderstand me, I am all for self-control, my point here being that when we restrict ourselves without the proper motives, we are more likely to gain back all the habits and then some!
I tried to have the proper motivation as I journeyed to the Philippines, but I'm not sure I did. I imagined laboring hard in the sun, getting a missionary tan, taking beautiful pictures with the locals, that I would come to adore; and coming back a fabulously fit and spiritual person. I did pray and fast for this trip, therefore I knew it was the Lord's will, but I didn't know what to expect. That was the most intimidating thing. I didn't exactly know what I'd be doing, and I felt more than unqualified. All I knew was that I needed a change in more ways than one and this was to be my ticket to "a changed nature, an altered spirit!" (Christmas Carol, Dickens)
The purpose of this blog series is to remember the lessons I learned and somehow understand how to alter my motivations in order to obtain a lasting effect. I kept an account nearly every day for the entire five weeks that we were in the Philippines, though most were simply accounts of the activities that took place. Though my trip sounds more exotic than my suburban life here, it was truly living an ordinary, everyday life in the Philippines. However, I did not expect to be afraid.
June - 2013 - Palawan, Philippines
The night was thick, the screen windows let in a small breeze, but there was a deep silence. I rolled to my right side, but switched as my arm grew numb. I began to rehearse in my head what my testimony, that I was to share at the church in Manila when we returned from the orphanage, might be. I selected my words carefully and structured the stories, which examples would better fit in certain areas.
Then I realized that rather than create in my head what I believed the changes in me would be, I had better start making those changes. I stroked my friend's back as she fell asleep and I began to quietly pray. I could not understand why I was so awake, but prayers continued to come out easily. Then one song stuck in my head, but I didn't really want to sing it. Softly I recited the words.
"You are my strength, Oh God.
You are my help, Oh God.
You are the One on whom I call.
You are my shield, Oh God.
My life I yield, Oh God.
For you will ever be my all, in all."
I didn't want to sing it at first because I kept thinking,
Why am I having such a difficult time?
I'm not truly struggling because I'm not weak and I know I am better than this.
I can do this. I know that all of this is not hard, I am being ridiculous.
What I couldn't admit was the fact that I was weak, whether or not it was a difficult struggle wasn't my judgement to make, it was still a struggle! Therefore, God alone was my strength. He alone was my all in all.
Late in the middle of the night, it clicked.
No matter where I was on the earth, only He could be my strength.
That moment I began to understand God's work in my life. It wasn't to have me come home a tan, fit, and spiritual person (I mean, hey, if it happened naturally well then, that would just be awesome) he wanted me to trust Him. In the little things, in the big things. He wanted to teach me to humble myself, and to ask for help.
Sometimes it really is just that simple.
